Dear Monkey Hate Cheese,

I could not agree more. Thank you.

Ren Hayes
Webmaster
GenXorcist.com

http://comhcinc.tumblr.com/post/4010621/best-batman-line-ever

This is happening on the streets of many great American cities. It may have happened to you. I was taking a lunch hour walk and strolling through the Gallery Place section of Washington D.C. wearing my headphones and really getting into Robert Palmer's Simply Irresistible.

"She's so fine there's no telling where the money went!"

Suddenly, I see her. Blonde and bouncy, wearing a Greenpeace t-shirt, she was one of those perky younglings Greenpeace sends forth to corner innocent people on the street and demand to know if "They have a moment to talk about the environment". I figure she'll leave me alone. After all, she's a perky little blonde White girl and I'm a grimacing Black guy weighing around 230-240 wearing sunglasses, leather coat, headphones and a scowl on my face friends tell me would make a subway train think twice about staying on its track if it has to go past me. So upon seeing little Courtney (I just know her name was Courtney) I amp up my "Angry Brother" act and attempt to swagger by her.

Nothing doing.

She waves at me. I ignore her. She physically jumps in my path and waves at me with both arms. I am not exaggerating. I stop, take off my head phones, stare pointedly at her and ask in what I hope is an off-putting manner "What!?!"

"Do you have a moment to talk about the environment!" chirps Perky Blonde.

I go for the jugular: "No. I applied for a job at Greenpeace and didn't get it, so I'm bitter." This is true, as a matter of fact. In their Library. It was about 5 years ago and I really didn't give shit about the job because it was one of about ten I didn't get that week, but I figure my faux disgruntlement will be enough to diffuse Perky Blonde so I attempt to walk on.

"It'll just take a few minutes!" rechirps Perky Blonde, undaunted.

Me, starting to get pissed but trying to be polite. "I don't have time. I'm on my lunch hour."

"I can give you the short version!" re-rechirps Perky Blond, her over-the-top perkiness not faltering.

"Look, no!" I say, finally giving up on being polite to someone who was being so rude to me. I mean, how many ways can I say no?

"Okay," mumbles now Not So Perky Blond, and I make my escape.

Here's the thing, Greenpeace: If you want the public on your side, you can't have your agents harrass, bother and bully the public into it. Sugar versus vinegar, y'know? I see people trying desperately to dodge your little Eco-Nazis almost everyday. You're only hurting your cause using these intrusive methods. I mean, immediately after that little ditz wasted my time, I was ready to burn down the first tree I saw out of pure spite. You risk making people who are favorable to the environment view it negatively based solely upon their encounter with your persistent little storm troopers. Now I know the environment is an important issue and you have every right to have interviewer on the street, but when a person tells them "No think you" your interviewer needs to back the hell off and leave that person alone! Forcing any kind on information on a person against their will makes them ambivalent or even hostile to that information. Not because their against the info itself, but because it was rammed down their throats despite their protests.

You want people to hear about the environment, Greenpeace? Cool. Then give them the option. If they say yes, go into your spiel with reckless abandon. If they say no, don't push the issue. No means no. Don't keep asking. Don't force it upon them. Respect their wishes and leave them alone. Look at it this way: people are fragile ecosystems that should be left alone and not forcibly developed.

You know something about that, right?

J.S. Fletcher is a clever British writer and journalist who, in 1913, published a short sci fi story called "The New Sun". In it rogue star moves too close to the Earth and starts to incinerate the planet. Despite its age it's pretty solid sci fi. But as I read it, certain passages made me stop and shriek "Good God!" out loud. It wasn't the harrowing sci fi, but the unintended double entendres. Poor Fletcher had no idea that almost a century after he released his story, sophomoric minds (like mine, for instance) would see filth in the most innocent of passages. It starts with the ultra manly name of one of our brave protagonists which is, I kid you not, Dick Cockerlyne. It goes downhill form there.

Keep in mind, these are straight lines taken word for word from the short story.

"Now, Addie, I am going to blindfold you and take you and Mrs. Jepson down to the underground room ... do just what I tell you, and Dick and I will make you comfortable."

Wow. Guy goes straight to the nub, doesn't he?

But Mequillen laid a hand on his arm and drew him forward, at the same time removing the muffler from his head. "We will go down soon, Cockerlyne," he said.

Uh huh.

"Hold my hand and follow me."

And he dragged Cockerlyne away through a trap-door and into a dark passage, and then into a darker room.

Dragged? I don't think Cockerlyne put up too much of a fight...

And Mequillen, trembling in every limb, released his hold on Cockerlyne, and staggered against the nearest wall.

Wow! That was FANTASTIC!

Mequillen caught his sister in his arms and pressed her to him. She looked anxiously into his face.

"Dick?" she said.

Um, no comment.

This last passage isn't a double entendre at all. It's just, well, stupid:

And then Cockerlyne, following his friend's instructions, looked, and saw widespread above him the dome of the heavens. But never had he so seen it in all his life. From north to south, from east to west, it glowed with the effulgence of shining brass; and in the north-east hung a great globe of fiery red, vaster in dimension than the sun which the world had known till then, and, even when seen through the protections which Mequillen had prepared, coruscating and glittering with darting and leaping flame.

"My God!" said Cockerlyne, in a hushed voice. "My God! Dan, is that it?"

No, I'm pointing to the other rogue star threatening to incinerate our world! Of course that's it, you dick-headed Cockerlyne!!

While doing one of my frequent news crawls on the web I followed a link to an article about a new obesity study. I love reading these things because they're almost always from the Medical Journal of Duh. That is to say, it's stuff we already know. "Obese People Eat More Than Non-Obese People", for instance. No shit, Sherlock. But since this article was entitled "Obese People Like Food Less Than Skinny People" I had to check it out. When I opened the page for this article, something else immediately caught my eye. Do you see it?

I used to love a little animated series called Justice League Unlimited. For my money, it was the best animated television series .... well, ever. Definitely the best thing an American animation studio has ever produced. Well, that series is dead now. Gone forever. Why? I assume it's because Warner Brothers wanted to free up resources to develop quality concepts like this:

"Much of the movie will be live action, but Yogi Bear and sidekick Boo Boo will be done in CG animation."

Yeah, you read right. A live action Yogi Bear movie. Excuse me, but are you fucking kidding me!?! Does anyone living, has ever lived or ever will live need to see this!? I thought Warner Brothers was insane for canceling Justice League Unlimited at the very height of its success and popularity. Now it's just been confirmed.

Read the article here.

Deal with the aftermath of reading the above article here.

I love viewing the "real" ghost and alien videos on YouTube. Some are clever, most aren't and the vast majority for some reason seem to be from Japan. Everything from crude CGI to idiots in bad Halloween costumes to stuffed animals dangling from strings claim to be "Actual Footage!" Some I laugh at because of the shear lameness, but others actually kinda sadden me because of their inept earnestness.

But here's what I really find annoying.

Comments that eagerly allege "FAKE!!" to obviously fake vids. Hey, you mean that guy in the bed sheet giggling and wearing Chuck Taylors isn't really a ghost!? Thanks, Mulder! If you hadn't have posted the word FAKE in all caps followed by more exclamation points than Jesus had disciples then we all would have run into the streets thinking the dead walked the earth! Thank God for you!

Some comments get even more petulant, declaring "You have wasted my time!" Oh, really? So you were actually expecting to see legitimately, scientifically verifiable, undeniable proof of ghosts or aliens on YouTube? The greatest mysteries Man has ever known, the very mysteries that that scientists, governments, scholars, theologians and countless others have been seeking to find evidence of for centuries you expected to find after a five minute YouTube search? Really? And when that didn't pan out, it was the poster of that video that wasted your time? Really?

Let me save you armchair Hellblazers some time: there are no real images of ghosts or aliens on YouTube, okay? They are all fake. All of them. Some fakes are better then others. Some are unintentional fakes posted by people who truly didn't know that the thing they filmed was actually a lens flare or a mote of dust reflecting in the light ("Orbs". Yeah, right). The only supernatural thing on YouTube is the notion that some people actually expect a real ghost or alien to be there. Sorry finding the truth of the universe isn't that easy. You might have to actually get up and leave your house to find it.

One of my favorite YouTube alien encounters. It has everything: drama, pathos, adventure and a life lesson for us all.